I should say up front that I am not attracted to men, which may not be super popular, but it just is how it is.

I think now is the time to update my profile so that it might be more helpful to others with pathways that are similar to mine and are struggling to get answers about themselves. And I am going to use my own story as a transwoman as the reference point for my description because it is easier to do than to try to make it cover all scenarios, but you can translate it to your own situation, I am sure.

The typical narrative that we hear for transwomen is one in which they have always known they were "in the wrong body", that they liked to play with the toys and dress in the clothes stereotypically associated with girls, and they always felt like they fit in with the girls, but not the boys. And puberty is generally a source of great distress. Of course, this is a totally fine and valid narrative, but it is not the only one that exists. I had none of that. When I was young, I never questioned that I was a boy. My buddies were boys, I did all the things other boys did, and I liked girls. When puberty came, it was later than for most of the kids in my class, but I really wanted it to get underway because girls did not seem interested in the shrimpy boys that did not even have pubic hair.

I did have a number of clues pop up during my life that in retrospect were indications that I was trans, such as being fascinated by a sitcom story about a character who went to a high school reunion and ran into an old friend who had transitioned to a woman, and the news story about a girl in a James Bond movie who was trans...I had the vague feeling that I wanted to transition when I encountered those stories, but I quickly forgot about it and moved on in life. There were a bunch of others, but none of them fit what I believed was an indication of anything related to being a transgender person. When I first saw a transwoman on the internet (porn) I was highly attracted to her and was shocked that it was possible for the transition to yield results that were so good. Again, I had the feeling that I wanted to be like her, but it was not powerful. I believed that for any person to go through the tremendous challenges of transitioning to a woman, they would need to have a signal as clear as a billboard on Broadway telling them "You are a woman!!!". I had nothing of the sort. So, I went on to get married, have kids, and live happily for 20 years.

Then the "trigger event" occurred. There were changes in the year leading up to it, but I did not understand them. For example, I began to have a persistent fantasy of being kidnapped and forced to transition to a woman and to serve as a prostitute. I also had the attraction to having breasts and used a toy called a "wubble full of snow" as a fake boob that I could stick in my shirt. I hid this from everybody, of course, but it was a powerful desire and I could not get enough of that feeling (though it was not related to sex or masturbation). Then, by chance, I used the FaceApp gender swap function to alter a picture of myself and when I did, it was like being struck by lightning. I could not stop using it all afternoon. The next day, I found that I was highly attracted to my own image, and that did lead to a sexual response, and then I tried to simulate the image in real life by using makeup. That also "worked"; however, after about 4 times, it faded away and I no longer had any significant sexual response to my pictures or any kind of "cross dressing".

Unfortunately, the trigger event was a marker for the onset of gender dysphoria, which for me manifested in an unbelievably powerful body envy reaction whenever I saw a woman, even if she was on TV. It eventually led to an unhappiness that I looked as male as I did. This was a debilitating condition that was so disruptive that I could not enjoy going out in public, watching a movie, or just doing anything where I would see a woman (but not my wife, for some reason). I began to fall behind at work and felt like I was drowning. I realized that I was not going to be able to live 30 or 40 more years like that, and I asked for help from my therapist (whom I had started seeing shortly after the trigger event). I looked for other treatments, but the only option other than transition seemed to be cognitive behavior therapy supplemented by SSRIs. That appeared to offer a little progress in coping with the dysphoria over a couple of years, but I needed a fundamental change, not a little progress. I chatted with a bunch of people here and I don't remember coming across any who were just battling the dysphoria and could describe their quality of life as good (I am sure there are some out there, and if so, I would be interested to hear from you!). Those that did transition seemed to be quite happy (at least in what they revealed to me). My head told me transition was not a good idea for me because there was nothing feminine about me, and it would completely flip my life on its ass, a life in which I was happy and had previously had no significant problems. At the same time, there was a part of me that said "do not walk past this opportunity or you will regret it forever." So, after about 15 months of struggling and figuring shit out, I listened to that voice, which is against all of the things my engineering brain was telling me

I have been on HRT for about 2 years with a very slow ramp up on my dosage during that time, and I feel great. The estradiol got rid of about 90% of the dysphoria and I felt like my "old" self. I have really struggled with getting comfortable with how I am going to present and what I am going to be like. As I mentioned, I am not very feminine, so I would never really "pass", but I eventually came to realize that I don't necessarily need to pass in order to be happy. I want to look my best, but I am just going to be more comfortable dressed in casual sports clothes than in a dress, happier playing hockey and doing kung fu than going clubbing, and that this is ok. That was a place in which I did not expect to land, but I am glad I did.

If this helps anybody, I will be happy. Just know that everybody's story is different, and you do have to figure your own issues out, but you will get to be where you need to be if you listen to your gut and are honest with yourself, I think. Best wishes to you, and do not be afraid to contact me if you would like to chat.

Education: 4 yr engineering

Religion: Not religious

Political Views: …are breaking people apart.

Favorite Quotes: I actually do have one now that think is relevant to those who believe they know how they would deal with gender dysphoria. It is from that eternal font of wisdom named Mike Tyson: “Everyone has a plan to fight Mike Tyson until they get punched in the mouth.”

Television: I don’t want put a lot of details on this stuff up here for various reasons, but I do love Kiernan Shipka as Sabrina.