Advocate.com – Arlene Istar Lev, LCSW
Kyle?s lesbian moms are worried that he likes dolls and girls? clothes. But shouldn?t LGBT parents be more accepting of gender-nonconforming kids? Or do we worry they?re bad PR for gay parenting?
Gay parents and gender-bending children
Suzannah and Lia sought out family therapy because they were concerned about their youngest son. Kyle is a 5-year-old boy with a gentle, soft nature who scoffs at traditional boys? toys and games. He spends most of his time in day care playing with girls, and his favorite games involve playing with dolls and dressing up in princess gowns. Suzannah and Lia are progressive parents who have never forced gender-based roles or toys on any of their three children. ?Our oldest son also played with ?girls? things,? ? they said, ?but never exclusively. Kyle?s behavior stands out, and everyone is commenting on it.?
As Suzannah and Lia talk about Kyle they keep contradicting themselves, saying, ?I know that we haven?t done anything to make Kyle this way, but maybe it?s because he has no father?? and ?I just want him to be himself, but maybe we shouldn?t let him play with Barbies??
There is something about transgressing gender boundaries that sends even the most liberal people running to their worn and tattered copies of Freud for explanations. On one hand, most of us believe that gender-based play and clothing is mostly about a social convention that we would rather not enforce. On the other hand, the division of the sexes is deeply embedded in our psyches. We may feel fine about our sons rocking their baby dolls to sleep, but not so fine about them wearing baby-doll pajamas to bed. We may encourage our daughters to play soccer, but bristle when they want to wear slacks and men?s tailored shirts to their sisters? weddings.
We have all absorbed many social messages about proper gender behavior, and when children exhibit strong and intense aversion to the gender roles of their sex (or passionate desire for those of the ?opposite? sex), we fear that something is terribly ?wrong.? What, if anything, is wrong with Kyle?