Through the Looking Glass, Column 7

Manhunt III:
Admirers, Straight Men, and Bumps on the Road

Recapping where I left off last month, there tend to be two types of men taking interest in a t-girl. 1) Straight men who really think she is a g-girl, and most of whom will lose interest when they learn she is not. 2) Trans admirers, almost all of whom turn out to be trannies deep down, taking vicarious pleasure in treating another t-person the way that they might long to be treated—or, as I’ve come to believe, Deep inside every chaser beats the heart of a tranny. Please allow me to say a little more about these gentlemen and then offer some pointers about dating either straight men or trans admirers.

Because admirers are love-to-be-femme TGs at heart, they are much more sympathetic to girls like you and me. But then why don’t they just dress up and hit the town like we do? Why settle for soaking up someone else’s satisfaction? And why are they so often a less impressive bunch than gay men and even regular straight men? Gosh, that’s an appalling thing to say about our guys—and thank god for the many exceptions—but anyone with any real heels-on-ground experience is aware of this unfortunate fact.

Why oh why, I’ve asked myself, until thinking back on the innumerable men I’ve met over the years at the Queen Mary and the Lodge (may they rest in peace) and realizing that one simple explanation solves both of these puzzles. But like most of the mysteries of the TG world, we can see it only if we take off our blinders and rein in our sensitivities.

Each admirer is a bird unable to fly. Maybe he’s flown before? Maybe he’ll develop tail feathers of his own and shake them around in style in the future? But for now he’s limited by something. And that same thing that keeps him from being a terribly happening woman may be what’s keeping him from being an especially happening man.

That’s why admirers tend to be a heavier and older bunch of men. It would make sense if they were also taller, though I haven’t seen that near as much as I’d like. Some may have their wings clipped by lack of a steady job, car, or apartment. Many are married and unable to get out except under the rarest of circumstances. Some may be constrained by psychological baggage, religious guilt, or macho ethnic tradition.

But the problem for a man-loving TG like me is that once one of these fellows shakes off his shackles and sheds some pounds he may not emerge as a hot, happening man on the scene; he may just show up next week in a dress. “Darn,” I’ve often complained, “the best men here tonight are women.”

So, with all that being said, maybe it’s better to leave your local tranny night behind and look for straight men at a nearby singles bar. That’s all well and good but unless you’re 5’ 6” and Filipino or a slender white girl with amazing FFS, you’re not going to fool anybody. And if you think the men you reel in are pure, straight men with no clue, then you’re only fooling yourself—pleasant as that may be.

But let’s assume you can reel in the swordfish like some of my tinier TS patients and friends, then what do you need to know moving forward. I’d advise dating for a while before ultimately revealing your secret. That way he can get to know and love all the great things about you before he learns about this not-so-great (to him) thing. Don’t wait too long, because you don’t want him to feel deceived and definitely tell him before making any long-term commitments. Also, whether pre-op or even post, be prepared for your new beau to struggle a bit with the notion of seeming gay to himself and to anyone else in the know. And he probably won’t be interested in hearing too much about TG life, so you’d best be happy living year after year as an ordinary woman.

Now if you reel in one of our t-admirers, on the other hand, you can be pretty sure that he’ll be interested in who you are where you come from as a trans-person. But be forewarned, you represent a forbidden pleasure that might light all kind of fires inside him. Because of that he might be all over you like there’s no tomorrow one night—only for you to discover next morning that there really was no tomorrow as far as he was concerned. But let’s say you find an admirer interested in on ongoing thing. Then you’ll want to watch out for him trying to make you a secret playmate that he never has to take out, or him paying too much attention to your original equipment and losing interest if you go for GRS. And then there’s the final risk of him being around a joyful, self-actualizing trans-person: he may want to blossom himself someday. Would you want him to dress up with you? Maybe you’d be okay if he did it quietly when you’re not around? I’ve often asked men to observe my special version of the Golden Rule, “Do unto me, everything you’d like done unto you—and for God’s sake, and don’t talk about it too much.”

I trust I’ve given you gals something to think about over these last three months of Manhunt. But for now, this newly single t-lady has to set her bait, shine her lures, and get out there, because you never know who awaits and you’ll never find him if you’re not out there with an open heart and a knowing smile.

Life’s rich, complex, and full of possibilities. Be careful and enjoy!

Alice Novic, M.D.

To learn more about me than you’d ever dare to ask, please see my smart, sexy memoir, Alice in Genderland: A Crossdresser Comes of Age.

Also, if you wish to eMail Alice with Questions, Comments or Topics for Future Through the Looking Glass Articles, feel free to send her an eMail at or to Post any Comments below.